Horses and Chickens, Sidewalks and Subways...no matter where you call home, a Mom's Heart Beats the Same

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

My Weakness, God's Strength~City Mom

Before I had children, I knew I wanted to be at home with them. I wanted to be like my mom. She was always there. She knew everything about me. She helped me with projects, was always there before and after school. She watched Sesame Street with me, and braided my hair, and colored with me, and read me every good classic book. She made awesome meals and laughed and rode bikes and let me listen to records. Mom let me have friends over, and buy scholastic books, and was OK with me selling wrapping paper and Christmas cards to the neighbors. She encouraged my giftings and never shoved me away. She would bring a blanket into the shade under the trees up at the lake and read to me and then tell me her own stories, like the one about the cows across the road who wore jewelry. We shopped and went to the restaurant with the goat on the roof in Door County. She said weird German phrases and spit on us when we got hurt. She let us ruin her beautiful Easter Eggs with our stupid crayon sayings, and always made Christmas and birthdays magical with the perfect cakes and thoughtful presents. She let us watch Mork & Mindy and have an atari and let us be the "who" we were supposed to be. She took me on a weekend trip to talk to me about all of the changes that go on in a pre-adolescent girl, giving me a beautiful diamond cross at the end to signify purity and the price that Christ paid to win mine for me. Doesn't she sound too good to be true? She's amazing.


Then...it was my turn. Like many new moms, I went into parenting with a head full of ideals and a heart full of fear. Here was this tiny life set before me, and I wanted to do all of it right. Sigh. I did really well with that too...for the first 20 months. Then, another baby came. I was going to do an ever BETTER job with Peebs. I'd live up to my ideals...but without fear! I had confidence now!
...We got home from the hospital and my mom and dad met us at home to drop off JuBe and I sobbed, begging them to stay. I couldn't handle having two babies at one time!!! During the next year, most of my ideals were stretched and challenged in ways I couldn't believe! It was HARD to breastfeed this big boy sometimes 12 times a day. It was HARD to divide time between two babies. My husband wanted a clean house and orderly toys (or so I thought). JuBe was starting to challenge me! Peebs was far more needy of a baby. I was tired. Finances were tough. I felt great pride and joy in my sweet little gifts, but I was in over my head.



I began to think that maybe I needed to do something else. But what? I hated to part from the kids for more than 30 minutes and I had to do that three times a week to work out. So, I started a MOPS group! That sounds good, right? I could get encouragement and it would be a project to do with the kids in mind! In the midst of that "good" thing, I also became pregnant and started a Home Based Business. I didn't realize it then, but I was grasping for something outside of my Calling. Because frankly, my calling was just waaaay too hard. Being a passionate person, I gave myself to planning my new mommy group and making some "fun" money for my family. I felt little tugs of guilt as to where my heart was heading...but I justified it away, thinking about the ministry opportunities that were in front of me. I lost my baby and became pregnant again fairly quickly.

Odes join us. We went through a time of sweet, sweet joy. Odes was the sweetest, easiest baby.



My business was making us a nice little income alongside my husband's. The Bigs had each other and I got to spend a lot of time cuddling my third little baby. We sold our home, moved in with my parents, built a new home, and SURPRISE...another baby was on the way! With all of the change in our lives, transition after baby #4, our sweet JoJo wasn't quite as easy. That's another story, for another time. But, I will say that everything seemed to crash around me. The Mom ministry was long-gone...but I was still grasping all around my Calling and trying to find fulfillment in additional ways.



However, JoJo gave me a great, great gift. Or, I should say, Jesus gave me a great gift with the addition of her to our family. I.could.not.do.it.any.more. I was busted. I was running full speed ahead in everything. I was putting finishing touches on our new home, running my business with all of my energy, homeschooling, and breastfeeding a new (and 4th I might add) baby on demand.
I crashed. Fell apart. Physically, emotionally, mentally, I was totally depleted.

And then...Jesus. I began to learn that I couldn't be *my* mom (what a bummer, cuz she's awesome!),  I couldn't be all things to all people. I couldn't even be the mom that *I* am called to be...in my own strength! Slowly, I began to relinquish  the control, the fear, the craziness to Jesus. And something beautiful has come as a result. My home is messier, my kids are louder, we make more mistakes. Sometimes I forget things I put on the calendar. I don't always look "perfectly put together" when I go out. Sometimes my kids are really, really, really, naughty in public. Sometimes, I have to say "no" to the good things, in order to say "yes" to Jesus and His Calling on my life as a mom.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

As I continue to relinquish myself to HIS plan, I am able to show more weakness. And HE is shining more and more in my home. That is my goal in this home! For Him to shine. More of Him, less of me.

Stay tuned...because the next part in all of this is a difficult lesson I've been learning in "sacrifice." And I'll be excited to share it, if I get the right inspiration and the words are able to come. This mom-path is so crazy. I daresay, my sweet mom came to these conclusions in her own way when she walked the early days of mommy-hood. But there are some things can't be taught~so I've had to walk through this path of refinement and sanctification in my life. My wise-mom never says much as I walk through this journey. I know she stands back and prays as she sweetly encourages me day-in and day-out. Maybe, I *will* become more like her, because we're both becoming more like Jesus. And ultimately, He'll be the shining light and legacy that both of us will leave as this next generation rises up.



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