I’m currently pregnant with my 5th full term baby. When I saw the heart beat at the doctor’s office and knew this pregnancy would be viable, I began to pray, along with my husband & children, some specific prayers.
That I would not get polyhydramnios (translation: “many waters” or too much amniotic fluid, that happened with my last 3 pregnancies and I desperately wanted to avoid the misery and worry that accompany this condition).
That I would not get gestational diabetes. I have always had this fear of diabetes. So much so that I was CONVINCED I had it in every pregnancy and I get tested for it from my family doc as often as my insurance will allow.
That I would have energy and feel good during this pregnancy, as I’m usually miserable for the duration.
I’ve felt pretty decent this whole pregnancy, but to make a long story, slightly shorter, let’s just say: I have gestational diabetes AND polyhydramnios. OK then. We decided, we’ll adjust our prayers. That my GD would go easy on me and that my poly would stay under control. My poly has grown and I’ve needed medication to help with the GD. As the prayers adjusted, they were added to as well. Our baby is flip flopping around in an unstable position and it is best to get head down by 36 to 37 weeks or else they want to try an “external cephalic version.” We began praying for and doing anything we could “naturally” to work on her position asking God we could avoid the version. By 37 weeks baby was still in a wonky position. So, we prayed, “alright God, if we have to do the version, please let it work. Please help her get her head down and help us to avoid surgery.” We’ve been praying for a head down baby and the avoidance of a cesarean section for weeks now. I went in for the version yesterday and it was unsuccessful. My doctor recommended thinking about planning a birth date via c-section, and also offered another shot at the version, with very little hopes that it would work next time.
About a week ago, I began to whine inside. It’s not fair! I’ve been asking and asking and asking! My kids have been asking God. What is this going to tell them about You? Don’t You hear us? Why do You keep saying no? Don’t You care? Why should we keep asking? I’m almost afraid to ask, because I think you will do the opposite of what I’m hoping! I admit it...I fell into defeat. I didn’t want to, but we had been so faithful! We even fasted for a short time from media and some of us from food to show God we meant business! We went into this thing with COMPLETE trust that not only COULD God do these simple little things we were asking, but He WOULD do them. And it feels as if all we hear is “no, no, no, no, no, no, no.”
As I began pouring out these rebellious thoughts of mine, knowing that God knew the interior of my heart anyway, I may as well be honest. He then began laying different things on my heart. First of all, I kept hearing (not audibly, in my heart) “Call on me. I will help you. I’m listening.” Then He laid the Steven Curtis Chapman song on my heart “Still Listening.” I began journaling the words and tearfully listened to the song, but I wouldn’t budge to say just “help.” Then He filled my mind with the following thoughts:
When your cousin was begging me for health and life on behalf of her child, was I there?
When baby’s die useless deaths in poor countries every day, am I there?
When your friends have lost babies they've carried for 20-40+ weeks, was I there?
When you’ve lost friends in car accidents or disease over the years, have I been with you?
In natural disasters, in moral failures, in cancer, in useless killings, am I there?
And then...even more chilling:
When you almost lost your own life in Latvia, and thousands prayed on your behalf, I said “yes” and though you suffered, you lived.
When you made mistakes in relationships and you wanted to get married but felt you weren’t worthy of a godly husband, you asked, I said “yes” and gave you a husband that loves you far beyond what you could have asked me to provide.
You were told when first married you’d likely never bear children. You asked me for a child, and you’ve been pregnant 7 times. I said “yes” and your home is now filled with joy filled laughter and noise and little people I’ve entrusted to you for this time.
You have been fearful about each of your previous births ending in c-section and every time you’ve had the vaginal birth you wanted, which has allowed you to have more babies. I said, “yes.”
You wanted (not needed) a bigger home for your family in a quieter neighborhood. You asked, I said “yes” and even gave you extra land on top of it.
You asked me for a chance to take your kids to Disney World and the finances to provide it, I said “yes” TWICE...and the 2nd time you didn’t even ask.
When two of your children had atypical cells on their head and you asked for their safety and removal, I said “yes.”
And on and on and on it went. All the yes’s...from safe surgeries, to bringing my family safely home from camping trips...He has said “yes” far more than “no” in my life.
You do NOT understand my ways. But in the times I’ve said “no” to you and to others, my grace has been sufficient and my purpose larger than your own. When I’ve said “yes” I’ve given you gifts you did not deserve, but I showed you my kindness and generosity, blessing you, not because of YOU but because of me.
The days that followed have led to a jumble of prayers...adjusted prayers. Still begging God for things to go my way, because He keeps showing me in His word that He wants me to make my requests known to Him. But today, He opened my eyes to the gifts He’s been giving me in the “no’s.”
The Gift of Gestational Diabetes: God is teaching me self-control, turning my heart from simple things like worldly pleasures, and increasing my capacity to love someone else more than I love myself (as He is helping me manage this for our baby’s sake and future).
The Gift of Polyhydramnios: As people make rude comments about my size or badger me telling me I should have had the baby two months ago, I’m reminded that the tongue holds life & death. How do I want to use mine? To bless others or curse? I get to see my baby twice a week on ultrasound and see how perfectly she is getting along. My faith is increasing as I’m forced to trust God with an outcome that is out of my control.
The Gift of a Baby with an Unstable Lie: I’m gaining compassion for those who plead and ask for healing or progress and feel like You are silent or saying “no” yet, realizing you are still our Father & Friend.
The Gift of the ECV Not Working: Again, I’m forced to grow in thinking of others going through far worse circumstances who do not get their ideal way.
The Gift of Having to Consider a C-Section: I’m growing in empathy for women who have never had the birth plan they desire. I’m learning to give up control.
So much of what we are facing right now is frustrating. But as my kids watch me, I hope they are seeing that their mom can be intimately honest with the Lord and that He is bringing me to a place of humility, learning I can not demand of Him my agenda.
Now, once again, my prayers are shifting. Sure, I’m still sharing my desires with Jesus. But for the first time, today, I was able to simply ask for His wisdom in any choices I have to make and for His ultimate will to be done. Right after submitting to this, I was worried that an impure motivate seeped in: If I submit, maybe this will manipulate the Lord and THEN He’ll do what I want. Ugh. But He helped me confess and showed me in His word He understood and then led me to this prayer after reading Philippians 2 this morning:
“Heavenly Father, I confess my hidden motives of selfish ambition and vain conceit. I admit that my heart still seeks its own. Forgive me, Lord! Replace my selfishness with the selflessness of Christ, Who laid down His life for me. Replace my ambitions with the attitude of Christ, Who purposefully took on the very nature of a servant. Teach me to love and to live as Jesus did. As Christ was made in human likeness, so also may I be transformed into the likeness of Christ.
I exalt the glorious name of Jesus Christ the Lord. He alone has defeated the enemy. He alone has paid the full price for my sins. Now He has been exalted to the highest place, and His is the name that is above every name. One day every knee will bow before Him in worship and every tongue will confess that He is Lord, to Your glory, Father. Even now I bow at Your feet, confess His name and plead with You to transform me into His image.”
Amen, Amen, Amen.
